Alex Petrosian

Alex Petrosian Alex thinking he's the shit after banging local slut Dearbhla Dillon instead of going to leaving cert grinds. Born Dearbhla Dillon 19th February 2002 Carrigstown, Ireland Citizenship Armenia (2002-present) Occupation Leaving Cert Student Networth US$1.8 thousand (December 2021)

Petrosian is a leaving certificate drop out from Carrigstown, Ireland. Having failed all of his exams, Petrosian now spends his time uploading beats to his YouTube channel with 17 subscribers and having his dinner cooked for him by Mondo O'Connell. A self-proclaimed sound engineer, Alex is unemployed and leeches off his mother; the perpetually stressed Melanie Petrosian. He works in Brewzers, a café belonging to the submissive homophile Cristiano San Martin. Alex spends most of his time bickering about failing his mocks and taking additional responsibilities in Brewzers which he is in no way capable of performing. Despite his inadequacies for the job, Alex is paid at least double every other employee, courtesy of a minority payment plan made available to him as a result of the Carrigstown Agenda.

In early 2020, several Whatsapp messages were circulated purporting to show Alex engaged in a lewd sex act with local mature student Dearbhla Dillon. The Sun was due to release a damning account of the pairs illegal encounter until an intervention from Bob Charles, acting on behalf of the Carrigstown Agenda, saw the entire case quashed by law enforcement and an injunction imposed from any further reporting of the story.

Alex once noted that he aspired to be like fertile super-bachelor Tommy Dillon one day. Upon discovering that Tommy had been on a holiday to Yerevan in Armenia when he was a teenager, Alex began to claim Tommy as his father. Eventually Alex discovered that his real father was another deadbeat want-to-be musician, much like himself.

Changing faces

Alex regularly shifts personalities and appearances and still has not settled on an identity. Some people in the town would worry about him a bit.

Prospects

Alex claims he would like to be a sound engineer, as well as a musician or DJ, despite playing absolutely no musical instrument or demonstrating any musical abilities. Ultimately, Alex is no more than a dole merchant who lives off minority allowances from the Carrigstown Agenda.

Despite most believing it to be impossible, Alex somehow hit a new low in 2025 when he asked the underage Ellie Daly to be his girlfriend. Alex subsequently apologized for the error in judgement. He also noted that Leo Dowling had changed his Whatsapp profile picture to a child and was trying to bait Alex in the most obvious pedo hunt imaginable.

Alex missing a large portion of his eyebrow, a trend which started and ended on this same day.

Alex during his African phase.

Alex leaning into the Muslim look.

World Cup 2026

Alex looking like a unit with drastically increased size and a buzzcut.

Alex during his Moroccan FA stint.

In an incredibly confusing series of events, Alex was mistaken for professional footballer Ayyoub Bouaddi and accidentally selected by the Moroccan FA to appear in some of their initial group stage matches at the 2026 FIFA World Cup in the United States. A subsequent investigation cited clerical errors as the reason for the mistake. His selection resulted in World Cup fever hitting Carrigstown with many locals such as Damien Halpin seen sporting Moroccan jerseys throughout the week.

Alex's highlights included nutmegging Brazilian defender Gabriel before being booked for rugby tackling Lucas Paquetá. In an interview with Moroccan TV station Arryadia, Alex described his surprise inclusion in the Moroccan national team as "a dream come true". When asked if he was confused by his inclusion he explained that growing up in Carrigstown had numbed him to such things.